It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken

So I have been having major issues lately on my breakup with Adam. I went to Barnes and Noble to look around and see what I could find on anything. I was actually wanting to get the Julie and Julia book but ended up in Self Improvement instead. Anyway I saw this book, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", and read the summary and looked at the chapters and flipped through it a little and said this is what I think might help me out. So far it's like they are in my head and know what I am thinking, and I am just on the first chapter. So I think I will blog about this book and how it is helping me. Look Jason I have a blog now.


Chapter 1: I am not all the way through it yet but the first question/letter got me good. The girl was dating a guy who was talking about marrying her and they looked at rings and everything. So for Christmas she thought she was getting a proposal and so she maxed out her card and bought him a plasma tv. Sounding very familiar to me right now. He didn't propose and broke up with her the next day and kept the tv. Sounding even more familiar. The author answered back stating, "Never buy a man a plasma tv until you are married." Very good advice, wish I heard that over a year ago. He also says that when a girl calls off an engagement she gives the ring back so if guy breaks up with you he should give the plasma tv back. Well I did get it back actually I took it and then gave it back in return for the rest of my stuff that was at the house that he wouldn't let me get. So he has the mattress and tv so I could get my kitchen stuff out. Sucks because now I am filing bankruptcy and he gets a free tv and mattress. AAAAGGHHH!!!! I was screamming in my head so I let it out on here instead of out loud. Maybe that is what I need to do is scream and let it out very loudly, just don't want to scare the neighbors and make them think I am being murdered. More letters to read but that first one hit home hard.

I don't want him back, but I do still love him a in small way. Yes he hurt me deeply and he is the scum of the earth, actually he is under the scum of the earth but I still care for him. I will say this again, I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK!!! He is a cheater and liar and worthless. The only good thing that came from him are his 3 kids, I hope they turn out better than him. My heart aches but I was glad we broke up and I was fine with that and staying friends, but then he brought HER into the picture and I find out what actually was going on and that hurt more than anything. I have never had a guy dump me for someone else or even break up with me and then literally 5 minutes later go fuck someone else in the back seat of the truck I helped him get. Yes I am cursing mother, if your reading this, because I am still pissed about that. And then mover her and her 4 kids in a week later and expect me to be ok with it. Also during the week after we broke up he expects me to take care of his boys that we have for a week, which I really didn't mind since I love those boys but I wasn't thinking. I should have taken them back to their mother that night he broke up with me. The only thing was I didn't believe we were really broken up until 2 days later. UGH!!!! I'm an idiot but I had never been in that situation before and didn't know what to do or how to act so I tried to be the bigger person and be nice and all that crap!! So I will not move in with a guy or buy him shit until there is a ring on my finger. Can't say I won't sleep with him but I will never get myself in that position again. I am hoping my friends will help me with that.

I still get choked up when I think about what I went through with him and for him and how much in love I was with him even though he was a jerk to me most of the time. But I can't put full blame on him. I wasn't the greatest either, I would criticize him and belittle him a lot. I wasn't bossy unless it dealt with money. It wasn't meant to be and I knew that very early on in the relationship but I didn't want to move back in with my parents and hear the I told you so and you should never do that and blah blah blah BS from my mother. As much as it wasn't going to work and I knew it I still fell for him and tried to make it work even though I knew it was going to end. I wanted to prove others wrong and help out a friend, and I still consider him a friend after all the shit he did to me, don't ask me why. I will never do anything for him ever again unless he does something for me first that is greater than what he wants or needs.

I do miss the companionship and the caring for someone and them for me when we are on a good day. We did have some fun and laughs, there were good times. I miss the person next to me holding me while we sleep. Of course that lasted the first 2 maybe 3 months of the relationship. I miss the kissing, the smile and look in his eye that showed he cared. I miss the being smarter than me on some issues that I knew nothing about and letting him think I didn't know something when I did so that he wouldn't feel intimidated. Of course by the end of our relationship I was proving him wrong on a lot of things and making him feel stupid. Not to be mean just to prove that I was right and that he wasn't always right about stuff.

I could write about this all night and maybe even write a book about it but I will write the book later once I am done with the one I am writing now. More to come on all this as I read the Breakup book. You could say I am a bit depressed and feel like I have no closure but that is what this book is supposed to help me with. Also I hate him with a passion. I hate him I hate him I hate him!!!!!!!!!!! We will see what happens as I read this book.

My Son

My son Nicholas Jeremiah just turned 10 this past July. He has medical problems that he sustained during delivery. He has brain damage, seizures, blind (even though I question that), deaf (question that too), has a treach to help him breath, feeding tube, osteoperosis (spelling on that one), can't control his temp (his room is HOT so he doesn't get cold easily), and several other issues. Very screwed up little boy. He stays in bed mostly and can't do anything for himself. I say he is borderline vegatable in a sense but he does react to things like a pricking of the needle or when I mess with him and he wants to be left alone. He moves his arms and head and turns his face red when he is annoyed. Just recently he was put into his on private room which is good for him so his room can be like a sauna. Before he was in a room with two other beds, he has had roommates and only one was similiar to Nicholas with the temp thing. But his roommates come and go because the room is to hot for them or they move home. So being in his own room is very beneficial to him. It's a Nascar room which my dad will love. Definitely a boys room. He is doing very well and hasn't ad any major issues like seizures. He had some problems with seizures in the past but that is under control for now.

It is hard sometimes with him living 4hrs away from me but he is where he belongs. They take good care of him and I am appreciative of that. I have lived up there before while I was going to college and loved seeing him everyday, but it is not my place to live. Maybe down the road, but what I really want to do is move him home or at least closer. The only problem is there is nothing close that will take him. If I had the money I would buy a house that would suit him perfectly but I would need money for a round the clock nurse and that is where my problem lies. For now I am happy he is there but I still get sad when I have to leave him. It is a bitter sweet visit every time. The only thing I can do for him there is organize his closet, I feel like a real mom when I do that and I hate disorganization which is all in that closet. Drives me nuts when I go up there. But that room is so hot I can only stand about an hour in there so I have to leave and come back and leave and go back. It takes me about an hour to organize that closet, he doesn't have much to organize.

No one ever truely understands my situation until they go and visit my son with me. The last time I was there I took a former friend's two boys with me and I started crying some while I was there. I don't know why. I was happy the boys got to go with me and I was happy to see my son but the boys were asking questions and I have never had to talk to children about it before and help them understand. I don't know what came over me. I haven't cried about Nicholas in a few years and that was when his seizures were bad and before that is was when Nicholas had first gotten there and I cried everytime I left him for the first 2yrs. I am better about not crying when I leave even though I could. While typing this it is making me tear up a bit. I am fine just a lot going on with me besides my son. We will talk about that another time.

So that is my son and a BIG part of my life. There is more I can say about my son but its not that exciting it's actually a bit depressing, like his father isn't around and never cared or my parent's mostly my mother not being supportive. You know things like that. I might talk about those things later but not tonight.

First Blog-Randomness

Since I deleted my MySpace page and now am only on Facebook I started having withdrawls from not blogging. Not that I ever blogged a whole lot but in the least couple of months I have. Also because I just saw Julie and Julia the movie and she blogged the whole time while cooking. I got inspired and had to find a blog site. So here I am.

A lot of randomness does come out of me and I sometimes don't make sense because its all scattered and unorganized and that is not me at all. But in my mind I am that way and while talking while tired or intoxicated I can talk a lot and of nothing at all. Which is what this is all about for me. Getting it out and out there for the world to see. So stay tuned because there is more to come. I might just use this as my journal which I haven't written in for over a year, blame the ex but I can't becauase I usually only write about once a year in it. But that won't happen here. So back to Facebook for now and I will be back here later with things on my mind. Not everything will be nice or easy to read for some but hey at least I am being honest. I could type on this thing all night but I won't. Alright I am done with my first blog on here. Wasn't interesting at all I know but its my blog and you don't have to read it if you don't want to.