I am very much over everything that has gone wrong for me in the last few years. I am so glad I am doing things for me and not for anyone else and I can say that I tried to help those that are in the position that I was in not to long ago but I have to let them go and let them make their own mistakes since they don't want to learn from mine. I am such the motherly type that I still worry and wonder about them but there is nothing more I can do for them except stand back and watch from afar and pray they one day see the light and turn towards it.
As of now my life couldn't be better!! Well maybe a little better but I am not complaining. When the time is right Mr. Right will come along and everything will fall into place as it should. I am not sitting around waiting on him but getting my life the way I want it in case he doesn't come. I am ok with not being married yet and I am ok if I never get married. But companionship is always nice to have.
School is awesome. Grades are good, sort of. I am in 2 plays and having a blast with making new friends and having my old self back!!! LIFE IS GOOD!! Just wanted to update you on what was going on with me. I couldn't be happier at this moment and my cup runneth over with all the blessings I have in my life.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Road Trip
Day 1 Saturday 7/31/10
We left around 5:30 from Houston. Justin drove first while I navigated. Not hard to do since we were in Houston. Our parent's gave us trip ticks from AAA but we never looked at them. I just used me phone the whole way, much easier to read and finding gas stations. After 6.5hrs(midnight) Justin and I switched. We weren't even out of Texas yet and we only stopped once for gas.
Day 2 Sunday 8/1/10
Driving I-10 wasn't to bad of a drive. I had to stop twice for gas, we stopped when it was half a tank, Justin didn't want it to go below half. We got closer to El Paso and all I saw were bright lights, thought it was the border and a big fence but nope it was the city. It was almost daylight from all those lights. Justin slept the whole time I drove. About an hour after we passed El Paso it was Justin's turn to drive and I went to sleep for almost 2hrs I think and Justin was still a bit sleepy so we switched again and he slept some more. When we got to Tucson we stopped at a gas station and parked and slept for 2hrs and then woke up, ate, filled up with gas and I drove some more. From Tucson we were about 6hrs from San Diego. We finally reached Arizona and we stopped at a rest stop and switched. I pulled out my computer and we watched, well I watched and he listened, the movie Charlie's Angels 2. That is when we came upon the mountains of rocks and boulders. We stopped at a gas station and had subway and saw a lamborghini who's driver was dorky enough to wear the lamboghine t-shirt. Justin was still driving at this point. We reached San Diego around 4:30 California time. So the trip took about 25-26hrs without the time change. Not to bad. We then got a hotel room on base at the MCRD and then went to see the movie Despicable Me. Funny movie, I liked it. We got back to the hotel and both go on our computers. By 1am we were both asleep.
Day 3 Monday 8/2/10 *Mom's birthday*
We slept in till 2pm. I kept waking up every so often though, phone would ring, noises outside, and just couldn't get comfortable in that bed. Justin slept in the recliner but ended up moving to the floor. After we both had showered and were awake we went to go eat at In and Out burgers. Good burgers, then we went to the beach for 5 minutes then went to the mall downtown where we had dessert and then went to see Inception. Very good movie but I must saw that is the 2nd movie Leonardo has been in where his wife dies(coincidentally they are both shot, well one dies twice, first suicide then shot) and he has kids and there is a twist in the movie of some sort. Great movies he's in just thought that was interesting. We went back to the hotel and I let Justin have the bed and I took the recliner since he was getting up at 3am to drive back to Pendleton to report in and go to a doctor's appointment. After he left I took the bed back.
Day 4 Tuesday 8/3/10
I got up around 9:30 and left the hotel by 10. Went to the Market place and chilled there for a little while enjoying the weather. Then walked around in the Exchange and then called a taxi to come get me. The problem with the taxi was that they couldn't come inside the base to get me so I had to walk to a gate and call them and let them know which gate I was at. Man hauling that luggage around and walking in flip flops can make you break into a sweat. Glad I wasn't in Houston with the humidity, I would have died!!! The walk wasn't to bad I just wasn't sure where I was going, I had to look at google maps on my phone so I could figure out which gate to go to...love my phone. I got to gate 5 and had to only wait about 15-20min for the cab. Nice guy and the ride only cost about $10. The base is next to the airport the only thing that separates them is a fence. But couldn't walk there, it was to wide around and I might get run over by a plane..lol. So here I am sitting at the airport very early waiting on my flight. It was a fun trip and I am glad I got to spend time with my brother. Pics are posted on my facebook.
We left around 5:30 from Houston. Justin drove first while I navigated. Not hard to do since we were in Houston. Our parent's gave us trip ticks from AAA but we never looked at them. I just used me phone the whole way, much easier to read and finding gas stations. After 6.5hrs(midnight) Justin and I switched. We weren't even out of Texas yet and we only stopped once for gas.
Day 2 Sunday 8/1/10
Driving I-10 wasn't to bad of a drive. I had to stop twice for gas, we stopped when it was half a tank, Justin didn't want it to go below half. We got closer to El Paso and all I saw were bright lights, thought it was the border and a big fence but nope it was the city. It was almost daylight from all those lights. Justin slept the whole time I drove. About an hour after we passed El Paso it was Justin's turn to drive and I went to sleep for almost 2hrs I think and Justin was still a bit sleepy so we switched again and he slept some more. When we got to Tucson we stopped at a gas station and parked and slept for 2hrs and then woke up, ate, filled up with gas and I drove some more. From Tucson we were about 6hrs from San Diego. We finally reached Arizona and we stopped at a rest stop and switched. I pulled out my computer and we watched, well I watched and he listened, the movie Charlie's Angels 2. That is when we came upon the mountains of rocks and boulders. We stopped at a gas station and had subway and saw a lamborghini who's driver was dorky enough to wear the lamboghine t-shirt. Justin was still driving at this point. We reached San Diego around 4:30 California time. So the trip took about 25-26hrs without the time change. Not to bad. We then got a hotel room on base at the MCRD and then went to see the movie Despicable Me. Funny movie, I liked it. We got back to the hotel and both go on our computers. By 1am we were both asleep.
Day 3 Monday 8/2/10 *Mom's birthday*
We slept in till 2pm. I kept waking up every so often though, phone would ring, noises outside, and just couldn't get comfortable in that bed. Justin slept in the recliner but ended up moving to the floor. After we both had showered and were awake we went to go eat at In and Out burgers. Good burgers, then we went to the beach for 5 minutes then went to the mall downtown where we had dessert and then went to see Inception. Very good movie but I must saw that is the 2nd movie Leonardo has been in where his wife dies(coincidentally they are both shot, well one dies twice, first suicide then shot) and he has kids and there is a twist in the movie of some sort. Great movies he's in just thought that was interesting. We went back to the hotel and I let Justin have the bed and I took the recliner since he was getting up at 3am to drive back to Pendleton to report in and go to a doctor's appointment. After he left I took the bed back.
Day 4 Tuesday 8/3/10
I got up around 9:30 and left the hotel by 10. Went to the Market place and chilled there for a little while enjoying the weather. Then walked around in the Exchange and then called a taxi to come get me. The problem with the taxi was that they couldn't come inside the base to get me so I had to walk to a gate and call them and let them know which gate I was at. Man hauling that luggage around and walking in flip flops can make you break into a sweat. Glad I wasn't in Houston with the humidity, I would have died!!! The walk wasn't to bad I just wasn't sure where I was going, I had to look at google maps on my phone so I could figure out which gate to go to...love my phone. I got to gate 5 and had to only wait about 15-20min for the cab. Nice guy and the ride only cost about $10. The base is next to the airport the only thing that separates them is a fence. But couldn't walk there, it was to wide around and I might get run over by a plane..lol. So here I am sitting at the airport very early waiting on my flight. It was a fun trip and I am glad I got to spend time with my brother. Pics are posted on my facebook.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Oh I dunno, just felt like writing something
I have a lot going on in my head and just felt like writing about some of it.
First off I am in possession of the book "Its a break up because its broken" again and I plan to finish reading it and blogging about it even though I don't need its help anymore but I plan to finish what I started so I will blog on that soon.
Secondly I will be on a road trip soon to California with my brother so he can have his car there and then I will fly back. I am so excited. He and I haven't done this before and I think its going to be a fun trip. Just hope we don't get stuck somewhere though.
Thirdly I quit my job. They were starting to be unreasonable for those of us who were just contracted and not employees. Since I had started working there back in November I have been asking for health insurance and never got it. The room I like using always had something wrong with it, like the speaker not working, the table warmer not working....I swear that room is possessed. Also the boss' son should be on meds and actually not allowed to work there because he is always screwing things up and never accepting responsibility and his "mommy" always covered for him. It is ridiculous. So many other things also, like some therapists got on my nerves but everyone else I absolutely adored and looked up to and see life long friendships with.
Fourthly quitting my job I think in the long run was best. I was feeling kind of antsy and just knew this was what I needed to do but didn't want to do it. So that is why I took a week off. Well to go see my son also but to clear my head and relax. When I went back to work it felt like it was going to be ok until the 2nd back when I found out my brother was coming home and we were going on the road trip. I asked off and well you sort of know the rest, I quit. I knew it was time for me to go at the point even though I needed to stay but it was stressing me out to much. Why can't I be that way in relationships? I get the same feeling when I have been in a relationship but I ignore it because I want to try and make it work and make it last as long as possible but knowing I need to get out makes the relationship worse and so instead of me breaking up with them and walking away feeling free I end up getting dumped and broken hearted because no one likes to be dumped. But now that I am free it feels good and I can focus on getting my own business back up and running and also focus on school. Which is another reason why I quit work was because I was going to have to cut back in hours so that I can go to school. But since I don't have to worry about that anymore that takes a LOT of pressure off me and takes away the migraines I have been having lately from stressing over it. I just need to focus on school and get it done and then I can focus more on what I really want to do. I posted before that I want to be a cop but I think I want to explore the FBI and CIA a bit. I doubt I will get in because my grades aren't great and I need to learn a language which I am leaning toward German, French, and Spanish...seeing how I know a little bit from all 3 already. That will take some time though but I have friends that know the languages so they can try and attempt to help me, at least keep them in practice if anything else..lol.
Fifthly I am getting the room I am living in at my parent's house more to my liking. Switching out my brothers bed for mine and getting my mother's stuff out so I can have room for mine. Getting comfortable even though I shouldn't but I have no reason to leave and no means to leave seeing how I have bad credit(that won't start getting good for another 5yrs or so) and no money(had money saved up but then I needed 4 new tires on my truck so no I am broke). I think I might have to stay here for at least another 5yrs...yes 5 unfortunately until school is over and I have a job I love where I can still do massage on the side. It will be rough because my mother is hard to live with, I don't see how my dad puts up with it. Guess that's why I will never get married, nor do I want to. But I do want to be a Foster parent one day when I have my own place and the security a kid needs, or 5 kids. I can see me fostering 5 teenagers can't you?
Sixthly I still want to sell stuff...I don't know if Ebay will be enough. I think I might have to try Craigslist and maybe the Houston Press(for those that are old enough to remember I always catch myself before I say it but I still want to say Houston POST!! Don't know why seeing how they haven't been around for what 10yrs?). I have the kitchen table and the couch and storage ottomans along with trading cards and Aeros memorabilia that I would love to get rid of. I am sure there is more in storage I can sell but I need to just take the time and go through it all and see what I want and what I don't want. I should say what I need and don't need but I need it all!!! lol.
Seventh I feel like I am a sort of gypsy because of my lifestyle moving around so much and switching jobs even if its the same kind of job. I am just glad I haven't had to live out of my truck or on the streets yet. I may one day if all this school and stuff doesn't work out. But the thing is I have put it in God's hands....that's right mom I still believe in him and he and I talk almost every day, I just don't like going to church. He and have an understanding on that one so lay off me about going to church!! Maybe I should move to New York and act like a Bohemian and hang out in Washington Square with all the others that are like me...love it there!! Or move to Paris...I have the miles...no i think Hawaii would be more peaceful for me. Ok Nick get that room ready I am moving in with you..just kidding.
Eighth THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR I GO TO HAWAII!!! Well I say that now after I quit my job..but that is what Brian and I are planning on doing. I have my miles to fly there just need the money for everything else. Anyone want to donate to the Lynn going to Hawaii FINALLY Fund?? Its for my 32 birthday and Brian's 31....oops I mean my 24th and his 25th...he he. I had planned to go for my 30th but because of my now ex and hurricane Ike I didn't get to. Well if I don't go this birthday I will definitely try after I get my tax return next year. As long as nothing else comes up that I need to spend it on. No this year is the year...I have 2 months to come up with at least $1000..I think that will cover it don't you? Not sure how long we plan to stay or what we are going to do yet but it will be on the cheap side for me. Hear that Brian??!!
My brain feels numb from all this writing...I think I emptied it out for now. Now time to clean this room and get it ready for my bed...I can't wait. It better not rain!!
First off I am in possession of the book "Its a break up because its broken" again and I plan to finish reading it and blogging about it even though I don't need its help anymore but I plan to finish what I started so I will blog on that soon.
Secondly I will be on a road trip soon to California with my brother so he can have his car there and then I will fly back. I am so excited. He and I haven't done this before and I think its going to be a fun trip. Just hope we don't get stuck somewhere though.
Thirdly I quit my job. They were starting to be unreasonable for those of us who were just contracted and not employees. Since I had started working there back in November I have been asking for health insurance and never got it. The room I like using always had something wrong with it, like the speaker not working, the table warmer not working....I swear that room is possessed. Also the boss' son should be on meds and actually not allowed to work there because he is always screwing things up and never accepting responsibility and his "mommy" always covered for him. It is ridiculous. So many other things also, like some therapists got on my nerves but everyone else I absolutely adored and looked up to and see life long friendships with.
Fourthly quitting my job I think in the long run was best. I was feeling kind of antsy and just knew this was what I needed to do but didn't want to do it. So that is why I took a week off. Well to go see my son also but to clear my head and relax. When I went back to work it felt like it was going to be ok until the 2nd back when I found out my brother was coming home and we were going on the road trip. I asked off and well you sort of know the rest, I quit. I knew it was time for me to go at the point even though I needed to stay but it was stressing me out to much. Why can't I be that way in relationships? I get the same feeling when I have been in a relationship but I ignore it because I want to try and make it work and make it last as long as possible but knowing I need to get out makes the relationship worse and so instead of me breaking up with them and walking away feeling free I end up getting dumped and broken hearted because no one likes to be dumped. But now that I am free it feels good and I can focus on getting my own business back up and running and also focus on school. Which is another reason why I quit work was because I was going to have to cut back in hours so that I can go to school. But since I don't have to worry about that anymore that takes a LOT of pressure off me and takes away the migraines I have been having lately from stressing over it. I just need to focus on school and get it done and then I can focus more on what I really want to do. I posted before that I want to be a cop but I think I want to explore the FBI and CIA a bit. I doubt I will get in because my grades aren't great and I need to learn a language which I am leaning toward German, French, and Spanish...seeing how I know a little bit from all 3 already. That will take some time though but I have friends that know the languages so they can try and attempt to help me, at least keep them in practice if anything else..lol.
Fifthly I am getting the room I am living in at my parent's house more to my liking. Switching out my brothers bed for mine and getting my mother's stuff out so I can have room for mine. Getting comfortable even though I shouldn't but I have no reason to leave and no means to leave seeing how I have bad credit(that won't start getting good for another 5yrs or so) and no money(had money saved up but then I needed 4 new tires on my truck so no I am broke). I think I might have to stay here for at least another 5yrs...yes 5 unfortunately until school is over and I have a job I love where I can still do massage on the side. It will be rough because my mother is hard to live with, I don't see how my dad puts up with it. Guess that's why I will never get married, nor do I want to. But I do want to be a Foster parent one day when I have my own place and the security a kid needs, or 5 kids. I can see me fostering 5 teenagers can't you?
Sixthly I still want to sell stuff...I don't know if Ebay will be enough. I think I might have to try Craigslist and maybe the Houston Press(for those that are old enough to remember I always catch myself before I say it but I still want to say Houston POST!! Don't know why seeing how they haven't been around for what 10yrs?). I have the kitchen table and the couch and storage ottomans along with trading cards and Aeros memorabilia that I would love to get rid of. I am sure there is more in storage I can sell but I need to just take the time and go through it all and see what I want and what I don't want. I should say what I need and don't need but I need it all!!! lol.
Seventh I feel like I am a sort of gypsy because of my lifestyle moving around so much and switching jobs even if its the same kind of job. I am just glad I haven't had to live out of my truck or on the streets yet. I may one day if all this school and stuff doesn't work out. But the thing is I have put it in God's hands....that's right mom I still believe in him and he and I talk almost every day, I just don't like going to church. He and have an understanding on that one so lay off me about going to church!! Maybe I should move to New York and act like a Bohemian and hang out in Washington Square with all the others that are like me...love it there!! Or move to Paris...I have the miles...no i think Hawaii would be more peaceful for me. Ok Nick get that room ready I am moving in with you..just kidding.
Eighth THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR I GO TO HAWAII!!! Well I say that now after I quit my job..but that is what Brian and I are planning on doing. I have my miles to fly there just need the money for everything else. Anyone want to donate to the Lynn going to Hawaii FINALLY Fund?? Its for my 32 birthday and Brian's 31....oops I mean my 24th and his 25th...he he. I had planned to go for my 30th but because of my now ex and hurricane Ike I didn't get to. Well if I don't go this birthday I will definitely try after I get my tax return next year. As long as nothing else comes up that I need to spend it on. No this year is the year...I have 2 months to come up with at least $1000..I think that will cover it don't you? Not sure how long we plan to stay or what we are going to do yet but it will be on the cheap side for me. Hear that Brian??!!
My brain feels numb from all this writing...I think I emptied it out for now. Now time to clean this room and get it ready for my bed...I can't wait. It better not rain!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
One Year
So it's been one year this week since Adam and I broke up. I have had my ups and downs and destructive mode and I am now getting to a place in my life where I am happy again and getting things back to how they were before I dated Adam. My friends I am proud to say have been my best support system and lovingly listen to my drama. Financially I am filing for bankruptcy, I know I have been saying that for about a year now but I have finally saved up enough money to actually do it. At least I hope my next paycheck is enough so that I can do it. It is a bittersweet time for me because I miss Adam's two boys AJ and IAN. I hate it that they are in such a mess with their two parent's. I hope everything works out for the best in their case and that they grow up happy. Please pray for them for me. I am not sad about it being a year but proud I have survived and grown a lot from this experience. And I hope to never go through it again!!!
It usually takes me about a year to finally be over a guy. So seeing how I am over Adam and its been a year I am now ready to consider dating and actually go on dates and just have fun. I am not wanting a relationship just yet. I don't think I am ready for that. I am happy single and I love my independence. I know there are guys out there that like me but I am sorry to say I am just in friend mode right now and I don't mind going out and doing things but please don't expect anything else from me.
Another positive that has occurred is that I am going back to college, at least once I hear I have been accepted to college. I am not sure how this will workout with school and work but I am determined to do it and finish my degree in Criminal Justice. I am going for my BA. I am very excited about this and I am trying to decide what I want to do with my degree once I get it. Options I am considering are: Patrol, Narcotics, CPS, Under Cover, and maybe Auto dealers. I think there might be one or two more things I might want to try but can't think of them right now.
I am wanting to get rid of things out of my storage, anyone want a kitchen table with two chairs? Also I am thinking about selling my hide-a-bed couch from ikea. If you know anyone that is looking for either send them my way. Table selling for $75 and couch with storage ottomans for $400. I need to take pics of both and post them on craig's list.
Well that should be it for now and I hope all the drama has finally stopped and will just leave me alone. My life was sooooo peaceful and boring about 2yrs ago and I would like that back.
It usually takes me about a year to finally be over a guy. So seeing how I am over Adam and its been a year I am now ready to consider dating and actually go on dates and just have fun. I am not wanting a relationship just yet. I don't think I am ready for that. I am happy single and I love my independence. I know there are guys out there that like me but I am sorry to say I am just in friend mode right now and I don't mind going out and doing things but please don't expect anything else from me.
Another positive that has occurred is that I am going back to college, at least once I hear I have been accepted to college. I am not sure how this will workout with school and work but I am determined to do it and finish my degree in Criminal Justice. I am going for my BA. I am very excited about this and I am trying to decide what I want to do with my degree once I get it. Options I am considering are: Patrol, Narcotics, CPS, Under Cover, and maybe Auto dealers. I think there might be one or two more things I might want to try but can't think of them right now.
I am wanting to get rid of things out of my storage, anyone want a kitchen table with two chairs? Also I am thinking about selling my hide-a-bed couch from ikea. If you know anyone that is looking for either send them my way. Table selling for $75 and couch with storage ottomans for $400. I need to take pics of both and post them on craig's list.
Well that should be it for now and I hope all the drama has finally stopped and will just leave me alone. My life was sooooo peaceful and boring about 2yrs ago and I would like that back.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Life has to many directions to take
This one will probably mostly be just plain rambling. So now that you have been warned do you still want to read this?? If you do, continue to read. If not then close this window now.
A lot has gone on in the last 8-9 months. I had started reading a book to help me get over the break up with Adam as a previous blog has stated. Since then I have loaned that book to another friend who needed it more than I did. But I am happy to say I am over that jerk and am moving on with my life. That is all I am saying about that right now.
My brother is now a MARINE!! he went in at the end of January and graduated in April and is now in infantry school at Camp Pendleton. I am sooo proud of him. He is where he belongs and I am glad he is doing what he loves. But it does make my heart ache though knowing that something could happen to him and I don't know what I would do if my brother was gone. I have been an emotional wreck since he left for boot camp and I think its not just because I love my brother so much but also because of Joey, who was in the Air Force and died during a training flight. That really has had me emotional for a long time, of course being sick hasn't helped either. This and the next paragraph make me tear up everytime I think about them. I think I need to see someone about that....
Another thing that has had me emotional is my dear friend Brandon who has been in the hospital since the end of January. He went in thinking he had pneumonia and ended up having H1N1. He was close to dying but he pulled through and has recovered mostly. Just having stomach issues now with keeping food down. So not being able to talk to him or get txts from from him has been hard. He's one of my best friends!! Love you Brandon!! You will get over this obstacle, just keep the faith!
My other best friend Brian has moved to South Africa for 3yrs. Doing what he loves, being a lawyer, and giving me more opportunities to travel!! Brian if you were straight.......love you!! I am working on saving money to come see you. I have a budget so if I stick to it I will be able to make it for our Birthday's. Get that soccer team ready for me....lol.
I want out of my parent's house and in my own place again. I am slowly getting there. It will take another year I think before I can do anything. But as I have lived here I have thrown things out that are trash and I have given a lot of stuff away. I need to go back to storage and pull more things out and go through it all and see what I want to keep and not keep but if you have seen my storage it is a HUGE task that I need help with and patience. In the process of getting rid of things I have also gotten rid of things that remind me of the relationship that everyone knows about so I don't have to say it. If only I could sell my truck then I think that would be the last thing I need to get rid of. I won't let me ears close up and get them re-pierced. But that's a little sacrifice I have to live with...lol.
I miss my son!! I haven't seen him in a few months and I just haven't had the money to go see him. Not sure when I will get to go up there. If only the Pioneer house was still open. It was a house that was free to the families of the children that are at the facility. But because of cost the company is selling it and the families have to go stay at hotels which are not close and if they are they are not very good. So that's a bummer. I am tempted to see if my son's trust will pay the money to buy it but I doubt it since its not a direct need for Nicholas. Stingy trust fund people!!! I have a dream of opening a facility in the Houston area for kids like my son to live and then I could move my son there and he will be close to me, how does one go about doing that?? Lots of grants and donations and time I am sure but need to get my foot in the door to start that. Anyone want to help me? If you have been to my son's facility then you will want to help me and to build a place like the Ronald McDonald house for the parents of these kids to stay at for the weekend or week or however long they want to stay and visit their child. This is a huge project I want to do but need land to build on outside of the city but close enough to a hospital so the kids have easy access when emergencies occur, and they do occur. My son is proof of that on many occasions!! Or a nice building that is big enough and safe enough for kids like my son. So if you have info on how I can get that started please send it my way.
I also want to go back to school and finish my Criminal Justice degree. I know I have about a year or two left. But I don't know if all my credits are still around since its been awhile since I have been to school and I don't know all the rules now. But I am going to try anyway. I love Massage but I love CJ too!! I have wanted to be a cop since I was in 7th grade. Well not exactly a cop but undercover, fbi, cia, detective, csi(even though I am horrible at math and science), and cps. I have joked about doing auto dealers but I don't think I want to be associated with my ex in that way....ugh. But this is another dream of mine that I want to get started on and complete. Guess I need to work on that FAFSA application.
On the upside of some of the depressing stuff I am open to dating again!! I have been single for almost a year now. I am ready to move on but just dating, not really a relationship unless it just works out that way. If you look on my facebook under notes you will see my criteria, it is a bit much but I am not asking for all of it just 90%. I know its a hard thing to find the right guy but I have never really seen myself married and still don't. Consider me unattainable, at least I consider myself that and that might be my problem but I like my freedom and being able to do whatever. I also like having someone around too. See I am torn on what I really want so that is why I am sticking to the dating and just having fun. If the right guy comes along I hope I am awake enough to notice and not screw it up. A friend of mine has tried to set me up with some guys she knows but that didn't work out. She knows guys that are under the age of 28. I want someone closer to my age, 29-37. I guess that is a good age range. Well good luck on your hunt for finding a guy to send me on a date with, and yes I am leaving it up to you, my family and friends who know me. Or you think you know me, ha ha.
So is this considered a book yet? Just kidding. Although I am attempting to write a book. Not going well so far. I am not good at dialogue, exaggeration on things, and what perspective I want to write it in, 1st person, 3rd person...I dunno. I have written almost 2 chapters or maybe 3. I also have another idea for a book that I had started my senior year of high school, well its more of an outline that I did for english class. I have two other ideas also one not sure when I will get around to doing but the other I would need parental friend's help since it will be about your kids. But I need help writing properly...Mrs. Hoffman-Lach??
I am so happy to say that I will be a counselor again at Camp Janus. It is the camp for burned kids through the shriners and other organizations that I can't think of right now. My dad got me started on it since he has been volunteering for about 20yrs. This will be my 4th year. It is soo much fun and I love all the kids there. I have started a photo album of the camp. Every year its a different theme, this year is Space Odyssey. Last year was Harry Potter and we have done Pirates and The World is waiting...Go(each cabin was a different country, mine was Egypt). So this year each cabin will be a different planet, including Pluto(my favorite). So should be fun. I love decorating the cabin. This will be my 3rd year to be a lead counselor and my second year with the Junior girls(age 10-13). We go horse back riding, swimming in the pool, paint ball, archery, canoeing, ropes course, and several other things that keep these kids busy and make them feel like they can do anything regardless of any burn scars or damage to them from the burn they have. No one looks at them funny and we love them all and make sure everyone is smiling and have a great time. My favorite part is doing pranks. I get all giddy talking about them. Last year my cabin got the boys cabin good. No details but we were told we did the best job ever on a cabin and that was by one of the boy campers...lol. Its always a great time there. If you want to learn more or would like to donate since this is a non-profit organization please go to www.campjanus.org We raise money all year round so that these kids can go to camp and not have to worry about cost. We have around 50 kids a year go to camp that come from all over the US and even Mexico.
Oh so much to write and not sure if I want to write it. So I will stop while I am ahead and write more later. Thanks for getting this far and reading it all, your a great friend. Now you know all.....all that I want you to know that is. he he.
A lot has gone on in the last 8-9 months. I had started reading a book to help me get over the break up with Adam as a previous blog has stated. Since then I have loaned that book to another friend who needed it more than I did. But I am happy to say I am over that jerk and am moving on with my life. That is all I am saying about that right now.
My brother is now a MARINE!! he went in at the end of January and graduated in April and is now in infantry school at Camp Pendleton. I am sooo proud of him. He is where he belongs and I am glad he is doing what he loves. But it does make my heart ache though knowing that something could happen to him and I don't know what I would do if my brother was gone. I have been an emotional wreck since he left for boot camp and I think its not just because I love my brother so much but also because of Joey, who was in the Air Force and died during a training flight. That really has had me emotional for a long time, of course being sick hasn't helped either. This and the next paragraph make me tear up everytime I think about them. I think I need to see someone about that....
Another thing that has had me emotional is my dear friend Brandon who has been in the hospital since the end of January. He went in thinking he had pneumonia and ended up having H1N1. He was close to dying but he pulled through and has recovered mostly. Just having stomach issues now with keeping food down. So not being able to talk to him or get txts from from him has been hard. He's one of my best friends!! Love you Brandon!! You will get over this obstacle, just keep the faith!
My other best friend Brian has moved to South Africa for 3yrs. Doing what he loves, being a lawyer, and giving me more opportunities to travel!! Brian if you were straight.......love you!! I am working on saving money to come see you. I have a budget so if I stick to it I will be able to make it for our Birthday's. Get that soccer team ready for me....lol.
I want out of my parent's house and in my own place again. I am slowly getting there. It will take another year I think before I can do anything. But as I have lived here I have thrown things out that are trash and I have given a lot of stuff away. I need to go back to storage and pull more things out and go through it all and see what I want to keep and not keep but if you have seen my storage it is a HUGE task that I need help with and patience. In the process of getting rid of things I have also gotten rid of things that remind me of the relationship that everyone knows about so I don't have to say it. If only I could sell my truck then I think that would be the last thing I need to get rid of. I won't let me ears close up and get them re-pierced. But that's a little sacrifice I have to live with...lol.
I miss my son!! I haven't seen him in a few months and I just haven't had the money to go see him. Not sure when I will get to go up there. If only the Pioneer house was still open. It was a house that was free to the families of the children that are at the facility. But because of cost the company is selling it and the families have to go stay at hotels which are not close and if they are they are not very good. So that's a bummer. I am tempted to see if my son's trust will pay the money to buy it but I doubt it since its not a direct need for Nicholas. Stingy trust fund people!!! I have a dream of opening a facility in the Houston area for kids like my son to live and then I could move my son there and he will be close to me, how does one go about doing that?? Lots of grants and donations and time I am sure but need to get my foot in the door to start that. Anyone want to help me? If you have been to my son's facility then you will want to help me and to build a place like the Ronald McDonald house for the parents of these kids to stay at for the weekend or week or however long they want to stay and visit their child. This is a huge project I want to do but need land to build on outside of the city but close enough to a hospital so the kids have easy access when emergencies occur, and they do occur. My son is proof of that on many occasions!! Or a nice building that is big enough and safe enough for kids like my son. So if you have info on how I can get that started please send it my way.
I also want to go back to school and finish my Criminal Justice degree. I know I have about a year or two left. But I don't know if all my credits are still around since its been awhile since I have been to school and I don't know all the rules now. But I am going to try anyway. I love Massage but I love CJ too!! I have wanted to be a cop since I was in 7th grade. Well not exactly a cop but undercover, fbi, cia, detective, csi(even though I am horrible at math and science), and cps. I have joked about doing auto dealers but I don't think I want to be associated with my ex in that way....ugh. But this is another dream of mine that I want to get started on and complete. Guess I need to work on that FAFSA application.
On the upside of some of the depressing stuff I am open to dating again!! I have been single for almost a year now. I am ready to move on but just dating, not really a relationship unless it just works out that way. If you look on my facebook under notes you will see my criteria, it is a bit much but I am not asking for all of it just 90%. I know its a hard thing to find the right guy but I have never really seen myself married and still don't. Consider me unattainable, at least I consider myself that and that might be my problem but I like my freedom and being able to do whatever. I also like having someone around too. See I am torn on what I really want so that is why I am sticking to the dating and just having fun. If the right guy comes along I hope I am awake enough to notice and not screw it up. A friend of mine has tried to set me up with some guys she knows but that didn't work out. She knows guys that are under the age of 28. I want someone closer to my age, 29-37. I guess that is a good age range. Well good luck on your hunt for finding a guy to send me on a date with, and yes I am leaving it up to you, my family and friends who know me. Or you think you know me, ha ha.
So is this considered a book yet? Just kidding. Although I am attempting to write a book. Not going well so far. I am not good at dialogue, exaggeration on things, and what perspective I want to write it in, 1st person, 3rd person...I dunno. I have written almost 2 chapters or maybe 3. I also have another idea for a book that I had started my senior year of high school, well its more of an outline that I did for english class. I have two other ideas also one not sure when I will get around to doing but the other I would need parental friend's help since it will be about your kids. But I need help writing properly...Mrs. Hoffman-Lach??
I am so happy to say that I will be a counselor again at Camp Janus. It is the camp for burned kids through the shriners and other organizations that I can't think of right now. My dad got me started on it since he has been volunteering for about 20yrs. This will be my 4th year. It is soo much fun and I love all the kids there. I have started a photo album of the camp. Every year its a different theme, this year is Space Odyssey. Last year was Harry Potter and we have done Pirates and The World is waiting...Go(each cabin was a different country, mine was Egypt). So this year each cabin will be a different planet, including Pluto(my favorite). So should be fun. I love decorating the cabin. This will be my 3rd year to be a lead counselor and my second year with the Junior girls(age 10-13). We go horse back riding, swimming in the pool, paint ball, archery, canoeing, ropes course, and several other things that keep these kids busy and make them feel like they can do anything regardless of any burn scars or damage to them from the burn they have. No one looks at them funny and we love them all and make sure everyone is smiling and have a great time. My favorite part is doing pranks. I get all giddy talking about them. Last year my cabin got the boys cabin good. No details but we were told we did the best job ever on a cabin and that was by one of the boy campers...lol. Its always a great time there. If you want to learn more or would like to donate since this is a non-profit organization please go to www.campjanus.org We raise money all year round so that these kids can go to camp and not have to worry about cost. We have around 50 kids a year go to camp that come from all over the US and even Mexico.
Oh so much to write and not sure if I want to write it. So I will stop while I am ahead and write more later. Thanks for getting this far and reading it all, your a great friend. Now you know all.....all that I want you to know that is. he he.
Monday, September 7, 2009
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken
So I have been having major issues lately on my breakup with Adam. I went to Barnes and Noble to look around and see what I could find on anything. I was actually wanting to get the Julie and Julia book but ended up in Self Improvement instead. Anyway I saw this book, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", and read the summary and looked at the chapters and flipped through it a little and said this is what I think might help me out. So far it's like they are in my head and know what I am thinking, and I am just on the first chapter. So I think I will blog about this book and how it is helping me. Look Jason I have a blog now.
Chapter 1: I am not all the way through it yet but the first question/letter got me good. The girl was dating a guy who was talking about marrying her and they looked at rings and everything. So for Christmas she thought she was getting a proposal and so she maxed out her card and bought him a plasma tv. Sounding very familiar to me right now. He didn't propose and broke up with her the next day and kept the tv. Sounding even more familiar. The author answered back stating, "Never buy a man a plasma tv until you are married." Very good advice, wish I heard that over a year ago. He also says that when a girl calls off an engagement she gives the ring back so if guy breaks up with you he should give the plasma tv back. Well I did get it back actually I took it and then gave it back in return for the rest of my stuff that was at the house that he wouldn't let me get. So he has the mattress and tv so I could get my kitchen stuff out. Sucks because now I am filing bankruptcy and he gets a free tv and mattress. AAAAGGHHH!!!! I was screamming in my head so I let it out on here instead of out loud. Maybe that is what I need to do is scream and let it out very loudly, just don't want to scare the neighbors and make them think I am being murdered. More letters to read but that first one hit home hard.
I don't want him back, but I do still love him a in small way. Yes he hurt me deeply and he is the scum of the earth, actually he is under the scum of the earth but I still care for him. I will say this again, I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK!!! He is a cheater and liar and worthless. The only good thing that came from him are his 3 kids, I hope they turn out better than him. My heart aches but I was glad we broke up and I was fine with that and staying friends, but then he brought HER into the picture and I find out what actually was going on and that hurt more than anything. I have never had a guy dump me for someone else or even break up with me and then literally 5 minutes later go fuck someone else in the back seat of the truck I helped him get. Yes I am cursing mother, if your reading this, because I am still pissed about that. And then mover her and her 4 kids in a week later and expect me to be ok with it. Also during the week after we broke up he expects me to take care of his boys that we have for a week, which I really didn't mind since I love those boys but I wasn't thinking. I should have taken them back to their mother that night he broke up with me. The only thing was I didn't believe we were really broken up until 2 days later. UGH!!!! I'm an idiot but I had never been in that situation before and didn't know what to do or how to act so I tried to be the bigger person and be nice and all that crap!! So I will not move in with a guy or buy him shit until there is a ring on my finger. Can't say I won't sleep with him but I will never get myself in that position again. I am hoping my friends will help me with that.
I still get choked up when I think about what I went through with him and for him and how much in love I was with him even though he was a jerk to me most of the time. But I can't put full blame on him. I wasn't the greatest either, I would criticize him and belittle him a lot. I wasn't bossy unless it dealt with money. It wasn't meant to be and I knew that very early on in the relationship but I didn't want to move back in with my parents and hear the I told you so and you should never do that and blah blah blah BS from my mother. As much as it wasn't going to work and I knew it I still fell for him and tried to make it work even though I knew it was going to end. I wanted to prove others wrong and help out a friend, and I still consider him a friend after all the shit he did to me, don't ask me why. I will never do anything for him ever again unless he does something for me first that is greater than what he wants or needs.
I do miss the companionship and the caring for someone and them for me when we are on a good day. We did have some fun and laughs, there were good times. I miss the person next to me holding me while we sleep. Of course that lasted the first 2 maybe 3 months of the relationship. I miss the kissing, the smile and look in his eye that showed he cared. I miss the being smarter than me on some issues that I knew nothing about and letting him think I didn't know something when I did so that he wouldn't feel intimidated. Of course by the end of our relationship I was proving him wrong on a lot of things and making him feel stupid. Not to be mean just to prove that I was right and that he wasn't always right about stuff.
I could write about this all night and maybe even write a book about it but I will write the book later once I am done with the one I am writing now. More to come on all this as I read the Breakup book. You could say I am a bit depressed and feel like I have no closure but that is what this book is supposed to help me with. Also I hate him with a passion. I hate him I hate him I hate him!!!!!!!!!!! We will see what happens as I read this book.
Chapter 1: I am not all the way through it yet but the first question/letter got me good. The girl was dating a guy who was talking about marrying her and they looked at rings and everything. So for Christmas she thought she was getting a proposal and so she maxed out her card and bought him a plasma tv. Sounding very familiar to me right now. He didn't propose and broke up with her the next day and kept the tv. Sounding even more familiar. The author answered back stating, "Never buy a man a plasma tv until you are married." Very good advice, wish I heard that over a year ago. He also says that when a girl calls off an engagement she gives the ring back so if guy breaks up with you he should give the plasma tv back. Well I did get it back actually I took it and then gave it back in return for the rest of my stuff that was at the house that he wouldn't let me get. So he has the mattress and tv so I could get my kitchen stuff out. Sucks because now I am filing bankruptcy and he gets a free tv and mattress. AAAAGGHHH!!!! I was screamming in my head so I let it out on here instead of out loud. Maybe that is what I need to do is scream and let it out very loudly, just don't want to scare the neighbors and make them think I am being murdered. More letters to read but that first one hit home hard.
I don't want him back, but I do still love him a in small way. Yes he hurt me deeply and he is the scum of the earth, actually he is under the scum of the earth but I still care for him. I will say this again, I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK!!! He is a cheater and liar and worthless. The only good thing that came from him are his 3 kids, I hope they turn out better than him. My heart aches but I was glad we broke up and I was fine with that and staying friends, but then he brought HER into the picture and I find out what actually was going on and that hurt more than anything. I have never had a guy dump me for someone else or even break up with me and then literally 5 minutes later go fuck someone else in the back seat of the truck I helped him get. Yes I am cursing mother, if your reading this, because I am still pissed about that. And then mover her and her 4 kids in a week later and expect me to be ok with it. Also during the week after we broke up he expects me to take care of his boys that we have for a week, which I really didn't mind since I love those boys but I wasn't thinking. I should have taken them back to their mother that night he broke up with me. The only thing was I didn't believe we were really broken up until 2 days later. UGH!!!! I'm an idiot but I had never been in that situation before and didn't know what to do or how to act so I tried to be the bigger person and be nice and all that crap!! So I will not move in with a guy or buy him shit until there is a ring on my finger. Can't say I won't sleep with him but I will never get myself in that position again. I am hoping my friends will help me with that.
I still get choked up when I think about what I went through with him and for him and how much in love I was with him even though he was a jerk to me most of the time. But I can't put full blame on him. I wasn't the greatest either, I would criticize him and belittle him a lot. I wasn't bossy unless it dealt with money. It wasn't meant to be and I knew that very early on in the relationship but I didn't want to move back in with my parents and hear the I told you so and you should never do that and blah blah blah BS from my mother. As much as it wasn't going to work and I knew it I still fell for him and tried to make it work even though I knew it was going to end. I wanted to prove others wrong and help out a friend, and I still consider him a friend after all the shit he did to me, don't ask me why. I will never do anything for him ever again unless he does something for me first that is greater than what he wants or needs.
I do miss the companionship and the caring for someone and them for me when we are on a good day. We did have some fun and laughs, there were good times. I miss the person next to me holding me while we sleep. Of course that lasted the first 2 maybe 3 months of the relationship. I miss the kissing, the smile and look in his eye that showed he cared. I miss the being smarter than me on some issues that I knew nothing about and letting him think I didn't know something when I did so that he wouldn't feel intimidated. Of course by the end of our relationship I was proving him wrong on a lot of things and making him feel stupid. Not to be mean just to prove that I was right and that he wasn't always right about stuff.
I could write about this all night and maybe even write a book about it but I will write the book later once I am done with the one I am writing now. More to come on all this as I read the Breakup book. You could say I am a bit depressed and feel like I have no closure but that is what this book is supposed to help me with. Also I hate him with a passion. I hate him I hate him I hate him!!!!!!!!!!! We will see what happens as I read this book.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
My Son
My son Nicholas Jeremiah just turned 10 this past July. He has medical problems that he sustained during delivery. He has brain damage, seizures, blind (even though I question that), deaf (question that too), has a treach to help him breath, feeding tube, osteoperosis (spelling on that one), can't control his temp (his room is HOT so he doesn't get cold easily), and several other issues. Very screwed up little boy. He stays in bed mostly and can't do anything for himself. I say he is borderline vegatable in a sense but he does react to things like a pricking of the needle or when I mess with him and he wants to be left alone. He moves his arms and head and turns his face red when he is annoyed. Just recently he was put into his on private room which is good for him so his room can be like a sauna. Before he was in a room with two other beds, he has had roommates and only one was similiar to Nicholas with the temp thing. But his roommates come and go because the room is to hot for them or they move home. So being in his own room is very beneficial to him. It's a Nascar room which my dad will love. Definitely a boys room. He is doing very well and hasn't ad any major issues like seizures. He had some problems with seizures in the past but that is under control for now.
It is hard sometimes with him living 4hrs away from me but he is where he belongs. They take good care of him and I am appreciative of that. I have lived up there before while I was going to college and loved seeing him everyday, but it is not my place to live. Maybe down the road, but what I really want to do is move him home or at least closer. The only problem is there is nothing close that will take him. If I had the money I would buy a house that would suit him perfectly but I would need money for a round the clock nurse and that is where my problem lies. For now I am happy he is there but I still get sad when I have to leave him. It is a bitter sweet visit every time. The only thing I can do for him there is organize his closet, I feel like a real mom when I do that and I hate disorganization which is all in that closet. Drives me nuts when I go up there. But that room is so hot I can only stand about an hour in there so I have to leave and come back and leave and go back. It takes me about an hour to organize that closet, he doesn't have much to organize.
No one ever truely understands my situation until they go and visit my son with me. The last time I was there I took a former friend's two boys with me and I started crying some while I was there. I don't know why. I was happy the boys got to go with me and I was happy to see my son but the boys were asking questions and I have never had to talk to children about it before and help them understand. I don't know what came over me. I haven't cried about Nicholas in a few years and that was when his seizures were bad and before that is was when Nicholas had first gotten there and I cried everytime I left him for the first 2yrs. I am better about not crying when I leave even though I could. While typing this it is making me tear up a bit. I am fine just a lot going on with me besides my son. We will talk about that another time.
So that is my son and a BIG part of my life. There is more I can say about my son but its not that exciting it's actually a bit depressing, like his father isn't around and never cared or my parent's mostly my mother not being supportive. You know things like that. I might talk about those things later but not tonight.
It is hard sometimes with him living 4hrs away from me but he is where he belongs. They take good care of him and I am appreciative of that. I have lived up there before while I was going to college and loved seeing him everyday, but it is not my place to live. Maybe down the road, but what I really want to do is move him home or at least closer. The only problem is there is nothing close that will take him. If I had the money I would buy a house that would suit him perfectly but I would need money for a round the clock nurse and that is where my problem lies. For now I am happy he is there but I still get sad when I have to leave him. It is a bitter sweet visit every time. The only thing I can do for him there is organize his closet, I feel like a real mom when I do that and I hate disorganization which is all in that closet. Drives me nuts when I go up there. But that room is so hot I can only stand about an hour in there so I have to leave and come back and leave and go back. It takes me about an hour to organize that closet, he doesn't have much to organize.
No one ever truely understands my situation until they go and visit my son with me. The last time I was there I took a former friend's two boys with me and I started crying some while I was there. I don't know why. I was happy the boys got to go with me and I was happy to see my son but the boys were asking questions and I have never had to talk to children about it before and help them understand. I don't know what came over me. I haven't cried about Nicholas in a few years and that was when his seizures were bad and before that is was when Nicholas had first gotten there and I cried everytime I left him for the first 2yrs. I am better about not crying when I leave even though I could. While typing this it is making me tear up a bit. I am fine just a lot going on with me besides my son. We will talk about that another time.
So that is my son and a BIG part of my life. There is more I can say about my son but its not that exciting it's actually a bit depressing, like his father isn't around and never cared or my parent's mostly my mother not being supportive. You know things like that. I might talk about those things later but not tonight.
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